On Hold

I lost the words, I write in waves and the wave has ebbed. I do come lightly to the page, not a writer really.  I have been called lazy by people who should know better, or maybe they are right and I am lazy.  I like to think I am waiting for my moment, patiently.  Bad form to wait for the muse.  The myth of the writer calls for the sacrifice of one’s life to the cause, to be heroic so as to overcompensate for the loneliness of being misunderstood.

I spent yesterday playing with my son, I made him laugh so hard he squealed over and over “Again! Again!”  I was out of breath by the end.  I am not so foolish as to think anything I write will top that.  I side step writing like I side step philosophy, each can claim to own you but you gotta dance around them, flirt of course, but dance around them.  Keep moving into each day and find the means of momentum. For eagerly the spiders spin their cobwebs around you.

I am happy, I like having words to live past me, I like to articulate feelings and ideas, I want to cry and laugh and be exhausted.  Being is primary, momentum is primary, not momentum to any particular end, just that feeling of wind in your hair.  It is all about death in the end.  To know this is really it.  There is not enough time to waste on small talk and social niceties, I can barely sit still long enough to clean my house.  I live outside of the pattern, the way the world operates, I dance around it too.  Took awhile for me to figure this all out, to starve off those parts of life, find the core and savor it. 

Slacker

Do people still use the word slacker to qualify the art of aimlessness or has the bustle of the world eroded it from our parlance, retained only in me and my kind as antiquated relics of a past civilization?  To slack, to reboot the operating system of one’s soul.  To intermittently absolve myself of all obligations and walk the streets of this city like a nineteenth century flâneur. The world exists differently in the places you are not supposed to be, the memories burn sharper. I must revolt in this tiny way in order to look at myself in the mirror.  I shall do a disservice to everything efficient, turn a corner onto a street I should have never seen. Only in the stolen moments do I empty my mind and live clearly.  The best times of my life are when I am not living it for you.   

To everyone that gazes there comes some time the longing to go into the wilderness. With little nourishment, to sit upon a stone and to think difficult thoughts, so difficult that they lie heavy on the eyelids. But so far all have returned from the wilderness to those that once they left. And they have wanted to teach solitude to the companionable; thus they grew tired, despaired of themselves and died the little torturing death. But we must go out across the wilderness further, ever in one direction. Only one who succeeds in doing that will know what lies beyond solitude and why we seek the wilderness

Rainer Maria Rilke, Journal, April 7th 1900

The Prose-Iguana

Let language leave you but awhile and tend to the family you left behind.  

«To forsake the world is easy; the world with them in it… does make me hesitate»

To write because someone told you to, to chase after a story like a character in a plot?  To write in spite of every convenience not to, to document rather than live?

«To write for the sake of a turn of phrase, a description draws me out: in a ward sectioned off, I miss the moonlight and nobody visits; no one left to ask if this is voluntary or not, or at which point the itch became a scratch»

Mean something to mean something and it goes away.  The underpinning meaning of a winter backed up when meaning was piecemeal in every exchange.

«One combination of words for another, my poetry for your prose.  Stuck in a fizzy-flat cola with nothing left to do but resolve or dissolve»

A matter of dying, a longing for immortality?

«Fear of the smooth granite, yes.  A puny, selfish tic, down deep, despite all of the rhetoric that comes with being a character, I, too, hunger to be a ghost»

And what is stopping you?  Why the iguana on your page?  

«Substance abuse, too much substance.   I gotta get clean in a dirty way. The water is warm and the cool air dissuades me from leaving.  Inertia is closer. If I rise, I rise naked, and walk barefoot along the stony path of righteousness»

You are confusing poetry with reality like the Escher hand that draws itself. Pleasure has a cap that whispers “this alone satisfies”, whether voyeur or participant, and any line so crossed in the mind is emptied in the experience. There is no need to reproach the embryonic drift of pleasure, let the canker-sore of your good intentions heal, and fast, find someone to kiss. 

«Pleasure is secondary, an additive.  I want to break into the wards of tomorrow. The passing pleasure of something left over, even if it is just fantasy» 

He who lives for tomorrow, dies today.

«Every choice starves off something»

To live for a make-believe tomorrow.  The picnic table playwright, once a week, over the last summer of high school - the play never finished.

«Aged wrong, given everything all of the time, generations deep and distant from our selves, what else but this headache of fullness?»

Hemingway said a writer ought to be hungry.

«He was drunk»

You are full of words and yet you hesitate to write.

«Not every choice is mine alone (the canker-sore).  Better to fork, like Borges’ story, and live in both the hermitage and the sunny day.  The choice unmade, I waver between realities, the stowaway of today and the captive of tomorrow.  A desire to write my own prose, my own epitaph»

Better the dream than the reality. To die a writer in your wrists so as to never know the measure of your talent.

«To starve off all talk of measures and talent, dreams and reality - they are ulcerous by intent.  Goad with every word, sentence, paragraph an answer to the call: life is to be drunk, unstop the voice inside you and draw out the spirits that keep your carcass warm»

My first printed book arrived and I am extremely impressed with the quality of work done by Feedfabrik. I choose Feed Fabrik because they have a feature that works directly with one’s Tumblr account that easily transfers whatever part of your blog you want into book form.  I am also amazed at how fast my book arrived, ten days to print it and send it from Europe to Canada!  If anyone out there is interested in giving this a try feel free to message me as I have a few tips, having gone through the experience myself.  

I am all about the second book now that the test run was a success.

Apocalyptic Fantasies

[from the old blog, 2004]

I have apocalyptic fantasies.  While part of me is grieving for the death toll caused by the Indonesian tsunami, there is another part absolutely glowing about this, tingling in my skin by the very thought of aftershocks and meteors.  Perhaps this feeling is associated with my displacement in my environment, my queasiness with the culture around me, and my desire for all of us to snap out of our comas, if only to exist for a few moments together in a real sense of communion.  In Sri Lanka civil war was postponed as a result of the crisis  - this is what I mean.  But I mean more than this, I am not talking about war, I am talking about appreciating life in all its aspects.  Most of all, I want everyone to live for something, and be aware of it.

I know the tsunami remark sounds callous, it wasn’t meant to be flippant but to grab at a truth.  I have nothing against South Asia, far from it.  And the suffering that people are going through during this is incomprehensible to me (and that is sort of my point).  I feel nauseous about it, I feel nauseous even more about the bidding, about the politics and kidnapping at the peripheries.  I feel like I am a complete phony, and tragedies like this make me wish I had the strength to be a spiritual person.  If only ‘humanity’ was real, if only ‘the people’ was something I could hold in my arms and console.  But I am tired of ideas.  As much as I love you I despise you, because you do not appreciate life, or take the time to understand what you have.  Hate is not the absence of love but the overabundance of love without the capacity to contain.  Hate is spillage.  I hate being happy and in love and intensely aware of it, and feeling the loneliness of the feeling, like, no one else is appreciating this.  No one else, or no one I know is getting this, and it sours it all, and I think I am actually more compassionate than I let on to myself, but I don’t do anything with the compassion, I do not activate it, I just let it congeal in me and intensify my fantasies of a moment in time where everyone will stop and appreciate life, where God will snap his fingers and we will know everything and consummate all our buried feelings of love.

In the immortal words of Dinosaur jr.: I feel the pain of everyone, then I feel nothing.

It is not enough to love and be loved, maybe I am universalizing this sensation, but I hazard to guess we all want the best for people, we want the same love to be transferable, we want people to understand it as they would a mathematical equation.  I spent a good chunk of my life not understanding benevolence and compassion and goodness and love, it was entirely alien to me, I knew only a desire to escape pain and loneliness.  I would have been satisfied just to breathe without sighing, to be able to wake up without shivering and I imagine a lot of people desire this as well, without the furthest conceit of anything more, anything like what I feel and know right this moment .

It comes down to synchronicity again.  Most of us understand compassion, have a trace remembrance of it in our bodies and minds, it’s just, we come about to knowing it at different times, sporadically, out of sync with one another.  Leonard Cohen has this song that talks about how every one of us will one time or another plead to the world: please don’t pass me by, and the tragedy of this is, the receptivity of this wish depends on synchronicity, on what you or I are feeling at that particular moment.  And our western culture (and I know this is cliche) is disingenuous, and we walk around dissociated from our sense of compassion nearly all the time, at least those deeply engrossed in this culture, like myself.

I watched this documentary about an esoteric Peruvian tribe and their interaction with an American anthropologist.  Some of the tribesmen were invited to visit New York City to perform their ceremonial dances on the downtown sidewalks.  One can imagine the culture shock from a people that had never left their secluded area of jungle.  In their own words, they said they loved it, they enjoyed their visit, they felt there was a real connection, and that there is something purely good in the people of this city.  A part of me thinks: how naive, another part of me thinks, maybe these visitor are right, maybe goodness is everywhere, even New York, maybe I am just blind to our own potential because we are constantly bathing our truths in the same shit until we do not know what we feel and value, who we are. Of course it is easier for me to exoticize these Peruvians, this so-called primitive tribe, as somehow closer to truth than us, and that is just my folly.  The goodness is here as much as anywhere.

I get frustrated, the more I love the more I get frustrated.  I want everyone to feel the calm and bliss and peace of mind.  To me, spiritualists are superhuman because they go about their lives with this burden, confront their limitations hourly, and still keep up a cheery countenance, and continue to say that the love is there to be found in everyone.  Maybe someday I will be a better man and actualize my spirituality rather than deal with it like a bout of the flu.  I am constantly striving to actualize it, but more so for the self-indulgent desire to re-experience the sensations than to apply it constructively.  My aesthetic interests are all about awakening this spiritual dimension in me.  I am bored by cleverness, and art for art’s sake.  Art needs to reach deeper than that.  But for now, I inhabit these emotions, and document them, and maybe this is just an evolutionary stage in my development.  Maybe one day I will stop having apocalyptic fantasies, and be able to love on your terms, and be able to love with a cheery countenance.  I think it is possible.

December

December is the time that people meet up with characters they have ignored all year, find themselves holed up in coffee houses or for brunches, to catch up or confess, to tear the fabric of habit and find momentary asylum in the rabbit-hole born of sly solicitations.  It goes as quickly as it comes, and afterwards it is not spoke of again.  I live in those frigid, fringe Decembers - and hibernate the remaining months of the year.  

Higgs

Scientists try to know but what if unknowing is the currency of the universe?

Perhaps the numbers never add up in the final analysis 

If that cannot be factored, enter the syntax error

98% of nothing is still nothing

The moon is still the moon

You gain nothing more

by grinding

out

pi

There are seasons to my whims.  Wisdom comes by knowing these patterns, like the habit of hunger, knowing when to eat and when to sleep.  So too, underground unspoken patterns, synapses surfacing and suddenly I must enter the world again, or give it words.  To act out of season can be taxing: you hunt when the conditions are just so.  There is a season for sex, for fantasy fugues, for drinking with friends, for being a father, and for solitary walks. 

Know thy seasons and the seasons of the world, there is a harmony to be found.  Carve your cave.  Moderate and modulate. Never stay too long in one place nor find yourself too comfortable living in someone else’s idea.  

The pangs will come with time, developed from a repertoire of experiences, until you feel the pull of a right decision, or the true meaning of art (people seek art in art yet we pass it between us unceremoniously like germs - you may as well frame the air of music, the spaces between words).  

For a time I pretended to know what art was, the fireworks of it.  The repertoire had, by then, not adequately developed and I knew only the surface of things. Education is pretending you know until you do know. So with enough time, at some uncut juncture of my life free from the canonizing will of memory, the season of art was recorded. Part of what makes the experience of art so potent is the slightly out of focus is it or isn’t it, then overflow, then what is happening, quiver of it all.  

The seasons of knowing spirit themselves according to some long gone almanac. It is up to you to rewrite it.

Then you shall know the right way to masturbate and the right way to hurt.     

I Cherish my Solitude

I cherish my solitude; even around people.  Where once the Victorian ethic and the voice of my mother mattered, this compliance to the social will no longer feels necessary. It is not nerves nor a Raskolnikov experiment that keeps me here, merely that your congregation of agitations ceases to entice me.  Perhaps I am designed differently, or I fell upon different books.  The world is a pantomime; that which it knows secondhand, I cherish in the first.  
  

This Thing I Need to Say About Film & Then I am Done

- Falconetti in La Passione de Jeanne d’Arc

When it comes to jazz I am hopelessly tone-deaf, I understand it only as an absence of sensation.  Were I to rigorously devote myself perhaps I could, given enough time, feel it in my bones the way it is intended.  Or maybe it is a hardware issue beyond me to remedy, I don’t know.  I can accept that we may not all be wired the same way, and when it comes to aesthetics there are inevitable impasses.

I wish to write about a fugitive aspect of cinema that goes mostly unspoken in reviews and reduced to verbiage in academic papers.  It is sort of formless, messy, and brings with it nothing but shame and feelings of inadequacy to those who try to naïvely ensnare it with words; it seems unspoken for a reason, because it bears out its meaning like a zen koan: to point at it is not to capture it.  However, I am stubborn and frustrated with conversations I have had regarding the virtues of cinema that I shall go through with this stupid task.  The tone-deaf may read on blankly or click away.

In the final minutes of the behind-the-scenes documentary of the Criterion version of Soderbergh’s Che, the director laments the state of the modern day cinema-going experience: “There is no illumination anymore, people see a film and five minutes later they are preoccupied with where they are going to eat”.  The issue lies squarely with the audience, not the product.  The jazz is there, I just can’t hear it, and likewise the illuminations are there, but some of us can’t adequately experience them.  I agree with this sentiment.  Differences of taste occur, and I am not here to deny them, but there is something to be said for a mutual foundational understanding of what modes of experience may be read within the frame, whether you like them or not.  Taste ought not to trump experience, it shouldn’t blind one of the modes of experience available to a particular captured moment.  I am not so clever that I can erase what Che involves in its presentation by writing a particular nasty review opposed to it; its resistance to conventions of biographical storytelling and its languid preoccupation with the lived-in moments of the protagonist’s life is not up to a matter of taste but palpable to anyone who has the faintest grasp of what came before.  The stimuli for illumination is there just like the jazz notes are there, it is not a lack of examples, and therefore not a lacking in cinema, but of the character of those who gravitate to it.

So what is this alternative way through which cinema may be experienced?  Simply put: patiently, one frame at a time.  As viewers we have grown into the habit of privileging the aggregate meanings of a film over, and to the disregard of, the immediate.  We scarcely have a terminology for the micro-bursts of illumination, but we have libraries full of tomes written on their ciphers.  

Here of course, I play to my strength, my own eccentricity: in all art I privilege the human over the abstract.  An idea is once removed from the person, I prefer the intimacy of the person over his conceits, no matter how cunning they might be.  All sorts of things stand in for meaning in the visual arena of movies: landscapes, allegories, animation, an unfiltered preoccupation with the ecstatic truth in images that drives Herzog to create, for example, the opening shot of Aguirre; the pursuit of the beautiful and the sublime in images, images as flattened vistas, the person dematerializing into whatever the image evokes and for whatever contextual purpose it serves; add too, the production value intrigue, the people as actors, the room as a set, the film as a consumer good.  There are so many equally valid ways to both create a film and value it.  This post is about my particular preference, something I have come to recognize in the books and music I most enjoy, and especially in the films.

At the core of my defense (or declaration) of a way to value film is a crucial distinction between meaning that is enacted and that which is embodied.  To serve as analogy, think of Chris Marker’s La jetéea film comprised of still photographs punctured by one glorious moment of life when the protagonist’s sensation of love is so strong it disrupts the pattern, thus accelerating the speed of the frames to give the illusion of motion, and of the embodied human.  Marker made the point emphatic, you can’t miss it there, but the same kind of marvels occur in films whose frame speed remain unperturbed if you are open to the experiences.  Tucked away in the crevices of films are such embodied furtive glances of the human that due to proportionality rarely make for satisfying study, and hardly make a dent in a review.  They are no less important.  They appear to call back to a primal human instinct: as children we attentively watched our parents’ cues as to how to behave; no pressing need to classify or articulate what we did, it just flowed naturally.  A survival mechanism, perhaps, but no less aesthetic because of it.  That delight in observation continues with the onscreen stimuli, the sensation that the filmed do not know they are being watched as themselves, they are exposed beneath the enacted as something potentially embodied; they act towards something but possess far more. 

 This voyeuristic aspect of cinema may be benign on the surface, for example, in Van Sant’s Gerry, watching two people do nothing but walk for the duration of the film.  As voyeurism goes, cinema has a benefit over the everyday, both because it is a construct and because the viewer is (usually) not in danger of being reprimanded for this gawking (think Sex Lies and Videotape, for example).  What I can get from this one way exchange is distinct enough from reality to warrant that something like Gerry (not even mentioning the exhaustion were I to actually follow these people) can exist only in the movies; it is a special privilege.  Even in the narrative desert that is Gerry, and perhaps because of it, moments of great illumination can spring whose meaning is greater than the whole, greater than the stacks of papers about the whole… meaning out of all proportion.  

Certain films ask little of the viewer, and patterns are recognized and do not need to go any further.  When we relinquish the narrative and can see people for the multitudes they possess, something intimate and beautiful can occur.  Which of course brings up its own set of problems, the overemphasis of the literary in understanding a film or a scene, to the oversight of what may be most meaningful by design or by accident.  There is more than one way to read a film, and experience it.  Experience and understanding need not be distinct, it’s a false dichotomy, a grammatical error.  The scene is not a paragraph that can be reductively cross-examined, it is a flurry of sensations at its best.  When part of the image is the raw person and whether through artifice or happenstance, an embodied truth finds its way into the mix that experience flashes and in doing so becomes understood.  

So much of our social lives are made up of enacting parts and it is perhaps with this merciless repetition that I cease to be as enthusiastic as others by the heightening of characterization into ciphers to befit plot and iconography; The Maltese Falcon is twice removed from what I care about, like the digitally distorted electronic music where no voice quivers.  The human has been layered over.  Ideas appeal to an intellectual satisfaction, granted with merited value but qualitatively different.  They do require a dichotomy between understanding and experiencing.  It is a sign of a hyper-socialized animal that it privileges modes of experience that require external authentication over those that are immediate, quasi-mystical and fleeting; burying what makes us who we are, not of even recognizing the flashes as they occur for what they are, what value they possess; if you can’t count it, weigh it, cite it, it’s like it never existed.

Perhaps my best example of what I mean by the embodied is a personal favorite documentary, Dont Look Back.  So much of the rhetoric of documentaries revolve around this concept of ‘what is truth?’, and more often than not, see no further than the scene or the film as a whole.  There are truths, incidental and undeclared, that exist like bubbles rising to the surface, outside of narrative and the pull of an edited choice. Dont Look Back has a deliberate distortion of continuity, and though at times subtle, this is a clear reframing of the events to imply some effect.  Jump cuts are used like dropped frames evoking Dylan’s perpetually high state and are occasionally used to inject commentary, i.e. the grand beauty of Dylan rehearsing on a piano alone is effaced by a cut to fans vulturing him mid-plea.  There is an argument being made, no doubt.  But in the case of micro-effects, the tacit awareness of what is onscreen cross-referenced with your own lived-in cache of experiences is not bound by narrative but by recognition of behavior.  Narrative tends to presume continuity like a neatly paved road over the images that exist, so that you cannot respond to them without this blockade intruding.  The fallacy is in this notion of continuity, as if there is a fixed narrative in a split second of film that can be forever linked to authorial intent.  Each moment contains its own possibilities for recognition; if there is pavement, it’s cracked, and no more cracked than in Dont Look Back which blossoms defiantly with these small moments.

It is this fugitive quality, more so than any particular argument of the filmmaker, or the critics that hound him, that give the documentary its essential vitality.  The incidentals of the photographic image, the micro-effects of human behavior in-situ, a collection of tics and eccentricities, all too often perceived as shadows or blemishes to be squinted away en route to the familiar, these rogue characteristics exist outside of narrative, history, socio-cultural relevance, and musicology and at times defy even language.  The persona of Dylan at the center of it, who like an unstoppable black hole wrenching from his interlocutors and, indeed, the audience, any semblance of static familiarity, spurs the rogueries further, the minor upsets of naked human emotions and specks of unrehearsed life left in his wake spread and multiply.  It is hard to see a Dylan outside of the flash bulb blaze, hard to see anything as embodied life outside it own narrative, but the composite record of Dylan of Dont Look Back is a brick in the face of that kind of habit.

While my focus is on the pre-ciphered embodied moments of film, there has been examples of filmmakers adeptly aware of this very thing and who appear to deliberately enhance this aspect to the detriment of all else. Many watch these films and categorize them as ‘lyrical’ without proper reverence for the idea, only to reform this quality within a new analytical framework of discussion.  Gus Van Sant’s Life trilogy, Gerry, Elephant and Last Days all seem to possess a quality I call, for lack of a better term, tacit cinema The tacit layer requires a certain minimum requirement of self-awareness, of consciousness that, I admit, is by no means a universal trait.  Still among a number of our peers, so-called lovers of art, connoisseurs of the arcane, this minimum requirement ought to be met.  I would not populate the jazz clubs and fetishize the culture if I did not have the capacity to ‘read’ the music, the way I am speaking of one reading the images.

I am only vaguely aware of the writings of André Bazin, but in this notion of ‘tacit cinema’ I am allying myself with his ideas of ‘the ontology of cinema’, at least in the respect that I too see the value inherent in cinema to capture (or as he puts it ‘mummify’) a lived moment through a inanimate object which lacks the subjective bias inherent to the craft of painters and writers.  We are by nature, tacit viewers, for example, when we engage in conversation we react not merely to what is being said but to that which is comprehensible tacitly, from the quirks of language, the physiognomy of the players. So it is in our film viewing: how often our comprehension of the events onscreen are sidetracked by tacit awareness of, for example, the actors playing parts, the significance of their relationships off-screen, an intimate knowledge of love or sex. A prime example in Last Days – and one I believe Van Sant consciously orchestrated as director – was to have Kim Gordon play against the onscreen persona of Kurt Cobain in his final days before the suicide, and know that she really knew Kurt and really was a good friend of his, and in her ‘performance’ asking him to please get help, it was not just some character asking Blake to get help but was Kim Gordon, emotionally distraught, attempting to save the real Kurt as part of the acting process.  Another example from Last Days is the long shot of Blake sliding down an incline, taking his clothes off, wading into cold water beside a waterfall, swimming to the other side, and then urinating into the water. What significance does that have with anything, if not only to stimulate our knowledge of the bodily sensations related to that activity? The analytic would wonder what is the point, how does it propel the plot, how can you film for five minutes or so such a mundane activity, but it is not mundane in the tacit dimension of it, were you open to that kind of voyeuristic experience of the scene.

By tacit cinema I do not mean merely documented life, cinema verité or the like, for as the above example indicates it is not about that level and that level alone of verisimilitude, rather it is about appreciating the tacit dimension to the viewing experience and manipulating that entirely, mashing both documentary characteristics with staged, with the sole purpose of elevating that tacit connection to the work.  Neither is it lyrical filmmaking, or pure cinema in the Hitchcockian sense, as these sorts of things can exist without the required revelry of the tacit dimension of the images; for example, Hitchcock used the power of the image to dictate a desired narrative effect, whereas ‘tacit cinema’ is one which desires no particular narrative effect other then the bountifulness of connections to be wrought from a scene, so to have an emotive impetus rather than an intelligible one.  I suppose a comparison could be made to the Impressionist movement, which to analytics bore the sign of frivolity, yet which to those apologists saw the potential for the subjective to spread its wings. With Van Sant’s trilogy the value is not the sum of its parts, and not easily discernible by merely denoting the techniques used, as some have done referring to his ‘elliptical style’ of editing, which I consider a secondary device to the nuance he works out in any given scene. The value is in the lingering, the meditative impulse at the heart of the work which demands from the viewer to relearn the art of watching.


A more recent example of this movement is Kelly Reichardt’s Wendy and Lucy.  In american independent cinema lately a kind of reductive naturalism has caught fire, resting its gaze upon people and places on the fringe of American society with nary a plot or aesthetic agenda to justify its output.  These films are reminiscent in part of their European counterparts, in style the Dogme movement, in spirit the social dramas of Mike Leigh and the Dardennes brothers, but like most things American they feel born anew.  


Wendy and Lucy has a disposable grandeur to it, of being immediate and uncluttered, like a well-crafted haiku.  With such a film not even the label verité realism aptly captures just how reductive its ambitions are: there is little sense of production or editorial motivation, you are left with nothing to grab hold of critically, the analytical mind feels stymied.  The story operates in the spaces usually cut out in transitions: the maneuvering from point to point, bus rides and walking, the idleness of a day in waiting.  Things occasionally happen to our heroine, Wendy, a down-on-her-luck waif stranded in Oregon, and her canine companion, Lucy, but to rely on these happenings for meaning is to kind of miss what is so special about this film.  The point rather is the make of her car, the grass tufts breaking through the sidewalk, the back alleys, the outdated vending machines, the sterile rooms, the collective disinterest of strangers, and the scent of an Oregon morning.  Denying you the usual attachments, fighting against all framing devices of meaning, until what is left is just being. You either engage with that ‘just being’ or you are bored to death, but it is not going to spoon feed you why it’s there, what it’s doing. It’s not going to pander for your rating. It’s not going to aspire for posterity. It’s just going to exist as long as the film exists. Even Van Sant’s prolonged Gerry is pushing for something else, something transcendent, but I think Wendy and Lucy is ultimately about something terrestrial, plainly, a girl and her dog.  That is tacit cinema, and also a celebration of the embodied.  

The embodied need not be this dogmatically defined so as to suggest a school.  It is a fugitive ingredient that may show up anywhere.  Our problem is a lack of vocabulary to acknowledge the embodied as something above and beyond any rote confines that groupthink depends on.  Soderbergh’s ‘illumination’ is at loggerheads with modern blog-minded audiences; in their enthusiasm they have excised the soul and fetishized the body. It may be through no direct fault, intimacy bodes poorly in group dynamics (unless it is a support group).  The illumination is revealed in the darkened corners of personal blogs, if at all recorded.  The poetic is not up for debate.  We can map it, declare it, praise it, but the thread dies.  Thankfully, there is this pesky grit in the crevices of iconography.  I celebrate these imperfections that afford me the space to daydream each film into being. 

crumbly

In my twenties I was hung up on absolutes and original ideas and how things looked from the stage.

In my thirties I found the original idea refracted in my mind where it had been all along, unperformed. 

I am the additive that makes old ideas new.

and certainty,

well

it gets crumbly

with age.

My Personal Mythology

Every so often I remember what it is to write.  Such rare moments of understanding swiftly dissolve as if insight itself was the catalyst, making it particularly challenging for me to pinpoint what exactly is gleaned.  There is something built into my self-imposed mythology which makes me believe the writing to be a consequence of stillness, a stillness the bulk of the world is seeking to disrupt, and that if only I was locked away in a hermitage then perhaps the writing would come more frequently, if only there was a straight jacket on my whims maybe the language would seep back into my brain. My innate style includes this piece of mythology, it has been with me since I was a teenager writing detective schlock and science fiction stories on my word processor.  During those periods in my life when I was unable to write I felt largely without purpose.  I suppose something spiritual at work when I am able to write well.  Sadly, this rarely happens. 

My innate style includes a strong sense of awareness, perhaps more than anything I think of myself as someone who understands human behavior better than most, and I wear this eccentricity like a badge of honor, at least to myself.  I brim with a strange mix of confidence and humility, humility because part of the revelation of this sense of awareness is that we all know very little, and any attempt on my part to pontificate otherwise would be a transgression of this knowledge.  I have probably behaved like a pompous ass in my life but those events are overshadowed in my memory by this continued sense of humility.  My awareness is one and the same with my humility. 

My innate style includes insufferable moderation.  I am not sure how far this characteristic goes back or why but I have been inclined towards a moderate approach to most things, but it is there.  I do take a certain taboo pleasure in transgressing this approach in the perhaps necessary release valve events I participate in, the urgent need to escape the constrictions placed upon by my obligations.  Obligation is perhaps the single worst word in my personal mythology.  I will not sing, I will not dance, I will not make a speech, I will not even bother with small talk.  When the sense of obligation is removed from a situation I am incredibly easy-going.  Implicit in this moderation is a feverish desire for self-control. 

My innate style includes a walking wounded projection of self.  When I was nineteen I underwent a depression which has marked me ever since.  I probably have not fully recovered from it, and perhaps my moderate lifestyle is in direct response to it, but this aspect of my life has forever imprinted on me an acute sense of empathy for humanity.  My awareness prevents me from acting on this empathy in the way a Mother Theresa type may, but the direct sensation of empathy is still genuine.  I lack conviction, that is part of the moderation, part of the awareness mythology, part of the deal of who I am.  Occasionally I use this lack of conviction against myself, and wish I was some other model of humanity, the pious altruistic type.  Hence my preoccupation with faith and religion in my philosophical musings. 

My innate style includes a want of belonging.  I suspect this is a human quality more so than an individual one.  I fondly remember my teenage fantasies of nearing death after accomplishing something heroic, and having the people I loved circle around me in mourning.  Despite my resistance, my sense of awareness, my moderation, and perhaps as a direct result of my empathy, I feel a strong connection with people, strangers mostly, the stranger the better.  I rely almost entirely on instinct when meeting new people, and make decisions about people fairly quickly.  I require innate goodness in people and if I cannot sniff that out from the first five minutes of meeting a person I become convinced there is nothing substantial to be earned from this person.  The elitism of this activity, I feel, is only on the surface, in the abstract description, the writing it down for you to understand.  Either that or it is pure elitism to the point that I am completely unaware of it.  For me my resistance of companionship is about being selective, which is a good thing because selecting the right people ensures mutual benefits for both parties.  I am attracted and repulsed by people with alarming frequency, it, along with my latent artist self-image, is another great part of the mythology.  I really do not know why I have such a problem with people, there is a cyclical aspect to all this: I feel humility, which boosts my confidence in understanding human nature, which boosts my empathy, which draws emphasis to my inaction and incenses my repulsion, which makes me feel insecure and triggers my return to humility. 

My innate style includes taking stock of all exits.

This mythology feels bigger than myself and the choices I enforce.  My entire philosophic exercise is an attempt to overcome this mythology, to self-configure as Nietzsche puts it, to supplant the superego with some new agenda.  I want to love humanity and not feel so threatened by it.  I want what comes effortless to most people.  But I have this walking wounded complex, a mythology swiped from a comic book.